“Act Like a Lady, Have Sex Like a Man” By: Dee Rene
He gets up from his late night conquest and drives home with a smile on his face. The sex was satisfying, safe, and most importantly – no strings attached. His lover is beautiful and gives his body exactly what it needs. He doesn’t kiss and tell, but if his boys found out he had a woman just to satisfy his sexual needs they’d just give him a high five and move on.
Now imagine that’s a woman walking through that scenario instead of a man. Would anyone give her a high five? Or would they just call her a hoe?
The truth is there are women out there that are sexually free and engaging in sexual behavior that’s typical (or expected) of men rather than women.
Rebecca is a 20-something, educated, heterosexual woman and she’s out there living a no-strings attached sex life. Finally setting herself free from the misconception that women can’t have sex without getting attached.
When did you discover that you could separate sex and love?
I discovered it in 11th grade. It was this guy and he was like the pretty boy and girls liked him but I wasn’t interested in him on a dating level.
We ended up hooking up and it was cool. I come over, we had sex and I went home but I didn’t feel any attachment to this dude which was different. I finally understood I could be sexually attracted to somebody but not feel emotional about them.
How did you feel?
At the time I wasn’t really thinking about it being unusual. I wasn’t like oh my gosh I’m doing something women can’t do. I was doing what I wanted to do.
Let’s be real. That type of mindset would have most people calling you a hoe. How would you respond to that?
The ex cut buddy (definition: a relationship only for the purpose of sex) thought I was a hoe b/c I was having casual sex with him. Although I was only sleeping with him. As a woman he said that made me a hoe. I’m not trying to protect myself emotionally. If you are between relationships and have needs. Why not find someone to satisfy that for you?
I’ve had really long term relationships and only a few cut buddies / just sex situations.
How do you determine if a guy is going to be just a cut buddy?
I think it’s hard to know if you are going to have sexual chemistry with someone but you may feel that sort of attraction. I usually meet them through mutual friends.
I need to see if they are honest about what they want – either just sex or dating.
Men complain all the time that it’s hard having this type of relationship because the woman gets emotionally attached. Have you ever had a guy agree to “just sex” and then get attached emotionally?
Maybe the original guy because he still wanted to have a cut buddy situation going on while I was in the relationship (wasn’t doing that). He hit me up recently after getting out of a long term relationship and kinda wanted me to jump back out there with him. I told him I was good.
He wasn’t ready for me to be over it even though that happened years ago. They know what they are getting into and we keep it at that.
Have you ever gotten attached?
My second one yes I was getting attached in some way. In my mind, a relationship with him wouldn’t work but I realized I liked him more than somebody to have sex with. I wasn’t in love or anything but I started thinking this is someone I could actually kick it with.
He started dating someone and I got into a relationship and now he’s married. We talk every once in a blue moon on a social network but it’s very basic. I never did tell him my feelings because I already knew in my mind that it wasn’t going to amount to anything. I just told myself to get it together because this wasn’t my man and it is what it is (just sex).
When you first tell a guy that all you want is sex, do they believe you?
Usually not. I think it’s pretty rare that most women even want that. I don’t think men are ready to believe that women have the same attitude towards sex as they do.
How do you start this conversation or let your intentions known to the guy?
Most men would think that you are a hoe if you initiate the cut buddy conversations. If the topic comes up about wanting to have sex or “come over and chill” then I think at that point you can have a discussion about what you are looking for and that you are not looking for a commitment.
Depending on your age and maturity level you can have a convo about the boundaries and expectations up front. That may not always pan out but at least you have them and see what happens.
What type of boundaries do you suggest for this type of situation?
Keep it quiet and nobody should really know. It’s also important to have a degree of separation among your circle of friends. At some point things could get messy if it’s not. Being discreet on social media and wherever else.
Discern how often you are going to see each other and set that ahead of time. Weekends? Monday nights? Whatever.
I don’t think there are that many rules or anything. There has to be a basic level of respect and knowing this is just the situation between us. Discretion is the simplest and most important thing.
That’s important too. The aftermath. Sleepovers are not okay. I don’t think you should be cuddling. Too mushy feeling gushy that’s a no. Get in and get out.
Why is how you behave after the sex important?
I just feel like if you are having sex regularly, cuddling, and next thing you know you are up making bacon and eggs. It’s too much. You have to create a certain distance between yourself and a cut buddy. You can’t do certain things to mimic a relationship.
Is that where a lot of cut buddy relationships fail?
You start to get more comfortable with them. It’s an accident you fell asleep the first time. Then you just start wanting to leave early in the morning. It’s easy to fall into those things if it’s not a boundary that you keep.
If other women find out (friends or acquaintances) that you are able to have sex without getting attached, how do women react to it?
I really only talk about my sex life with my friends. They are on a spectrum. I have friends they date the same way like have sex and hook up and that’s it. Then I have certain friends that only want to have sex if they are in a relationship.
But I think outside of that it can be perceived that it is a hoe. Nonchalant attitude towards sex is perceived as I want to have sex with everyone. Which isn’t true at all.
Has having a cut buddy in the past ever hindered you getting into a romantic relationship?
It’s never come up as an issue in any of my relationships. Because I don’t exhibit hoe behavior and my sexual past has never been called into question. I don’t hook up with a whole bunch of people or date guys in the same circle.
Should more women take on this mindset?
I just kind of feel like to each his own. If it works for you then go for it. At the end of the day it’s about being honest with yourself and being comfortable with yourself and who you are. And your own sexuality.
If you are in between relationships and on a sabbatical you still have needs, maybe have someone satisfy that for you and you not have emotional connections. If you have a different goal in mind and only want the outcome to be in a loving committed relationship then it’s really not the best decision for you.
It does take a certain individual to even go down that road.
What mistake do most women make when it comes to sex?
All women should know just because you have good sex with someone doesn’t mean that’s your prince charming or husband and that’s okay.
A lot of women have sex and think it’s the best sex that the men will ever have and think that means he will commit. As though he was looking for you and that magic vagina.
But in light of that you have to be honest with yourself. Don’t look at it as means to an end to get him to commit. If you actually just want sex then just go after that. If you are looking for something more that then no-string-attached sex isn’t for you.
What do you think? Is this a lifestyle you can support or live? Would you call Rebecca a ‘hoe’ or are more women starting to have sex like men? Leave a comment and let us know!
Dee Rene, Laugh.Cry.Cuss. – http://laughcrycuss.com
Twitter: @deerene_lcc And @laughcrycuss.com