“How You Became the Side Chick” By: Dee Rene
It’s 2 am and my phone is ringing. Thinking it’s my “boo” calling, I answer with the “I was sleeping but I’m trying to sound awake for you” voice only to be greeted by a female voice I don’t recognize. “Are you fucking my man?”
And here we go again….
How do men get away with this? If you’ve dated long enough, some of us have been a side chick knowingly or unknowingly. Men are bad liars, but their patterns are similar. He simply builds relies on AMBIGUITY. In this abmitugity, you will get ‘side chicked’ before you know it.
His main is always a dummy. Well, maybe Bambi is the better term – bright eyed and naive. The Bambi is the woman who wants to believe the best of him but has a sneaking suspicion that he’s seeing someone else. So she tries to make friends with all the women who flit with him on a social network – telling her sad tale about “not wanting to be played and I just have to ask woman-to-woman.” Side note: If you feel the need to chase down everyone he flirts with to make your claim that he is your man and hope to extend an olive branch of “sisters gotta stick together” so that they stay away from him, you should seek help.
She is shouting from the rooftops that he’s her man yet he maintains a quiet ambiguity. They are “exclusive. Kinda together but not really, but everyone close to us knows. With no title.” Right. That’s like being a little bit pregnant. It’s either one or the other but she doesn’t want to apply pressure so she plays her position.
That ambiguity is just to buy her silence. He maintains “single” any and everywhere she isn’t around. Her past tells her to be cautious but she still believes every word he says because behind closed doors – he really is so great to her. While she’s making a scrap book of photos trying to keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept, he’s frolicking through private messages and bars picking up new women. After all, he is “technically” single. But he’ll never say that to her.
If she found out about any one else she’d leave. So he does his best to feed her fantasy just enough to still keep her around but also be able to shut her down with “but we aren’t together tho” if she ever gets out of line. He is “single” right so why not see what else is out there? The problem is he isn’t being honest with the main chick about wanting to keep those options open, but not lose her at the same (damn) time.
He IS NOT READY to commit, but he doesn’t want to be alone. So he does what he can to keep a steady supply of love coming in but only having to give small trickles going out.
Now it’s your turn. You meet him and he’s up front that there are “some other women he’s talking too” but nothing is “that serious.” You credit him with being honest about that so he must be honest about everything right? Afterall he didn’t HAVE to tell you about anybody else at all. But he’s not. He tells you just enough to make you think that he tells you everything, but leaves out the small fact that the main chick really is more serious than it seems. He just maintains that ambiguity.
We Eat. It. Up. Nobody wants to be “that girl” who is applying too much pressure or asking too many questions. We play it soooo cool. You keep playing your position and completely miss the fact that while you are thinking you are talking to a single man, he’s actually side chicked you.
You are now the go-to woman when Bambi is crazy. Maybe he even tells you when she is tripping. If it’s not “that serious” why does he care? Unless Bambi needs to be committed to a mental hospital, she didn’t create these feelings all by herself. Do not forget the most important thing to notice – SHE IS STILL AROUND. If she was that much of a headache, why is she still in his life? Especially when he has another viable option(s)?
Even if you aren’t sleeping with him you are his emotional side chick and that’s just as bad because now hearts are involved.
What a sweet smelling pile of bullshit. He lies through omission and he’s greedy.
Here’s a tip ladies – if he can’t give you a solid, concrete answer that isn’t some sort of riddle, then chances are he’s hiding something.
This DOES NOT mean you need to become inspector gadget and interrogate him nightly. It just means stop opening yourself up to ambiguous ass situations. Men know that a woman has probably been accused of being crazy just one too many times by asking too many questions, making assumptions, or going off about wall-post (who is this bitch writing on your wall talking about good morning?), so he brings that up to push her back into silence. We all say we can handle it in the beginning. But the minute you get a “good morning beautiful” text or find yourself smiling at his profile picture, it’s time to have a conversation.
There’s nothing worse than thinking he’s not that serious with someone then seeing “in a relationship” on Facebook.
Start asking real questions.
You: “So what are we?”
Him: “You know I care about you.”
That is not a got damn answer ladies.
You: “Are you seeing anybody else?”
Him: “There’s one chick I talk to but it’s nothing serious.”
Now that IS an answer, but the wrong question.
“Does someone else think you are in a relationship?”
“Are you smashing or trying to smash anyone I know?”
“Would you tell Bambi that we talk the way we do?”
Those will get your some real answers and don’t settle for anything less than specifics.
You’ll have to remember one simple thing, no matter what you feel or he feels he doesn’t owe you anything more than what you demand. If you settle for ambiguity for long periods of time then that’s exactly what you will get. If you are afraid to speak up for what you truly want, then he has no motive to do anything more than keep you pacified with scraps of love from his table. He may lose you, hurt you, or get cussed out by you while he’s doing this dirt but at the end of the day he’ll just find a new Bambi or another you and move on.
If you choose to “play your position” just understand that you may actually be playing yourself.
Check out Dee’s own blog over at Laugh.Cry.Cuss