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Me, Him, and His Female Best Friend

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So there’s this guy.

He asks you to come along one day to pick out a gift for his best friend. Instead of making a turn into the DVDs and sports section, you all hang a quick right into the women’s department of Macy’s.

Wait a minute.

This gorgeous man that you’ve finally snagged has a FEMALE best friend? How is that even possible?

Initially, you hope she’s a hobgoblin and married.  You hope that when you see a picture of her you’ll quickly understand how and why she got friend zoned. Then the devil, also known as Facebook, informs you that this woman isn’t a hobgoblin at all. In fact, she’s quite the opposite and seems to be a really good person….and single.

Now your mind begins to race to all those other men who told you that another woman was “like a sister to them” or a “close friend” only to realize he was blowing her back out one summer in 2010 and they still occasionally mess around now. You begin to wonder if she’s been secretly waiting in the friend zone all this time for an opportunity to pounce on him.

But this time it’s different. He swears to high heaven that no matter their relationship in the past (if there even was one) their current friendship is purely platonic.

How do you deal with a man who has a female best friend?

It’s quite simple – trust him. The minute you start exaggerating the fact that she’s a female is when you start creating the imaginary stories in your mind that drive you into a fit of jealous rage.

When he’s out with her and doesn’t respond to your text in .10 seconds you’ll start envisioning them at a local hotel room dripped in strawberries and champagne laughing at you. Take a step back to look in the mirror because your insecurities are showing.

Stop that.

If you already don’t believe what he tells you, how do you expect your relationship to prosper? You’ll have to face the facts that she’s been around longer and will know more about him initially. They’ll have inside jokes and stories from “back in the day” that could have you feeling left out at some point.

Now it’s time for you to be a grown up and get to know her! She’s only a threat if you allow her to be one. When you get to know her, you take away some of that mystery behind her motivations and begin to understand the friendship from both sides. Hopefully she responds well to your invitation and you may even gain a new friend in the process. Instead of forcing him to choose, show him that his worlds can blend and the women in his life can get along.

In an ideal world, that’s how the story would end. You’d all be out for coffee skipping through the streets.

But what if that’s not the case? How do you deal with a man and his female best friend who is damaging your relationship?

Take some time to ponder is she actually doing damage or are you fabricating things in your mind? Consider if it was a male friend with the same behavior. Would you still be upset? If so, then you probably have a legitimate concern on hand.

If in fact the female best friend is rude, intrusive, petty, or anything else that you wouldn’t stand for with ANY friend then it may be time to have a discussion.

Men should understand that no woman ever likes to feel as though she is in a competition with another woman, friend or not. He will have to make a tough choice if unresolvable tensions arise between the female best friend and the girlfriend. At the end of the day, a friendship should not create problems in your relationship. Real friends should know and respect the boundaries of love. There may come a point where he must choose between friendship and love. Be warned ladies, he may not always choose you. Thank him for that and move on.

In a relationship with him and his best female friend there are great opportunities for growth and new friendships. As long as everyone is willing to be open, honest, and mature, there’s no doubt that you can learn to grow and love his female friend the same way you love his best male friend too. Or at least you can both exist in a civil partnership and not sneer at each other over the dinner table. If tensions arise, understand the predicament your man is now in and be prepared for the consequences.

In my experience being the girlfriend dating a man with a female best friend, it really came down to open dialogue. When I felt threatened or insecure about their relationship, conversations needed to be had instead of assumptions. Assumptions led to big blow ups, lost friendships, and even lost love. Essentially, this situation can be as easy or as messy as you make it.

That choice is up to you.

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Check back next week for another installment in this series!

Read more from Dee Rene at http://laughcrycuss.com|| Laugh. Cry. Cuss.

(site will be down for maintenance on May 16, 2012)

 

 

 

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