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The Whatevership: Are We or Aren’t We Together?


The whatevership is the gray area between friendship and relationship…also known as that bullsh*t.

It’s the space where you are exclusively dating a friend who claims you as something more than a friend but less than a girlfriend. Confused? Great. So is everyone who is currently in this situation.

This usually ends up in nights of passion and days of confusion. Should I call? Why isn’t he calling? Who is that chick  he’s flirting with on twitter?

Before you fly off into a fit of rage, the tiny voice in your heart gently reminds you that isn’t your man. Well not officially anyway. You are doing everything like a relationship but there’s no title signifying that is it a relationship.

How do you get there? Simple.

You say yes. At some point you said yes, the way things are right now is cool and you wouldn’t mind if it were something more but there’s no pressure to make it that way. You agreed to live in a mutually beneficial ambivalence.

Often we agree because maybe it IS what we really want at the time but then time keeps going on. This man is filling in your boyfriend needs so long that you start to think “hell maybe he IS my boyfriend.” If you test drive a car too long you may start feeling like you do own it.Then you start wondering why he ISN’T your boyfriend officially.

Conversations in the gray zone usually go as follows:

You: What are we?

Him: What do you mean?

You: What is this?

Him: I mean I do like you. I care about you. I just don’t know if ….(circle one)

– I’m ready for a relationship            –   I’m  ready to love again because I’ve been hurt     –  I have the time

–   I want to lose what we have

You: But we do everything together. Date/ sleep together…I even met your friends. We aren’t seeing anyone else. What would be so different than what we have now?

Him: silence.

Because he doesn’t have a good answer other than “I JUST DON’T WANT TO!” But if he tells you that, he’s going to lose you. If you keep pushing the issue, you are going to lose him. So you both keep dancing around the issue until it comes to an explosion.

What happens? He doesn’t call when he is supposed to. He doesn’t remember a holiday. He doesn’t tag photos on Facebook. Now someone gets mad. Someone leaves. And someone is left standing there crying not because it’s over, but because it never happened. It’s the sim-city of relationships.

He’s held to boyfriend expectations even though he never signed up to be a boyfriend to begin with. He didn’t change; your expectations for his behavior changed and he hasn’t caught up. I hate to break it to you but he’s NOT going to catch up either.

Women tend to think getting in a relationship is complicated. It’s not. If he wants to be with you, he will make it known and be with you. If you are in this back and forth what is this what are we tug of war just let go.

Although the relationship FEELS like one,  it’s not a relationship until it is named and claimed. Don’t throw in ‘but he loves me…’ either. If he did, would he make you feel this confused? If you loved yourself, would you let him?

THAT is the whatevership. The gray zone. That bullsh*t.

If you are there….RUN.


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