Trying To Convince Myself I Found One
Making A Mistake I Never Learned From!
I Swear, I Always Fall For Your Type (yeah)
For Your Type. – “Fall For Your Type” Jamie Foxx & Drake
He’s attractive, we have great chemistry, and there goes that old familiar feeling.
However, when I pause the R&B love songs for a moment, I take a look at the situation surrounding the man. I’ve often made the mistake of seeing the man in isolation and wonder how I end up blind-sided. It’s like standing in the eye of the hurricane and not recognizing the storm around you.
His situation is … messy. There’s a lingering ex (of course), a wall up around his heart (not ready for a relationship), and a desire to see where this goes (friends w/ benefits) with no actual outcome in mind.
I’ve seen this movie and I know how it ends. In fact, I’ve starred in this movie as the leading lady on multiple occasions. I’m starting to feel like Kimberly Elyse – constantly type cast as the down trodden black woman injured by love – ugly cry and everything.
He says to me that “He’s not like the other guys and you never know how something will turn out with different people and different times.”
Where do I draw the line? Am I too scared to put my heart out there again and so I use every excuse to avoid doing so? Or am I finally wise enough to recognize the train wreck coming and get off the track?
Very true. It doesn’t help that he’s so sexy when he’s sincere. (Focus….focus…)
However, I’ve heard that a million times. The last guy was different from the guy before him, and the guy before him couldn’t be compared to the guy before him, and the guy that started it was supposed to be different than any guy I’d ever meet. Yet every situation ended up the same. My friends say I’ve managed to date the same guy 15 times – his name, location, profession, and circumstances were all different but here I was ready to love him through “messy.” I know I do things too that can make a man run for the hills. But a good friend pointed out to me one day that life is about patterns, you will continue to repeat the same patterns until you learn that lesson and pass it successfully.
Be that as it may, will any situation ever really be perfect? We are all broken pieces holding it together to make a perfect picture like a kaleidoscope, so how can I expect to find a dream man with no baggage? Even if he came with no baggage, in my current state of mind, would I just find some and use that as an excuse to not love him?
It’s a very difficult situation and I’ve touched on this topic before but I didn’t really have any concrete plans. Amen for time and clarity. I’ve only resolved it by making my list of hell-no-no’s. This list includes the situations that I’ve done multiple times and they have NEVER, ever, not once, worked out for me – regardless if the situations ever worked out for a friend or two. My list hell-no-no’s is not meant to put fault solely on the man because I have my “messy” too. It’s more so meant for me to stop and recognize when I’m doing the same thing again…and again….
- No lingering ex that he may or may not still have feelings for, or unresolved issues. A lingering ex is the Big Joker (spades terminology) to everything. That person has more history, more feelings, more time and no amount of “this is new and fun” will overpower that pull. When I want to date someone, I like feeling as though we are essentially in the same boat. Dating casually and dating others casually. Not that he is still playing unresolved relationship man with his ex and seeing me when that gets stressful. No thanks. Close that door and then I’ll consider opening mine.
- 10 piece luggage set of baggage. I have baggage. I used to have a tractor trailer full of baggage. I’ve managed to condense it down to a large roller carry on. I don’t expect my man to come to me with no baggage. In fact, if he hasn’t lived enough life experiences yet he probably won’t understand or be able to deal with me because I’ve been through that fire. But I also don’t want him bringing so much mess into the relationship that I find myself nursing him back to health rather than building a new life together.
- No “I’m not ready for a relationship. Let’s be friends with benefits and see how this goes.” It works for some. It does NOT work for me. Orgasms go straight to my heart and I can’t separate the two. I know this about myself and I work with that and around it. This situation always creates an endless grey zone for me. Then when I become irate he may hit me with the “But we aren’t together tho” and I may have to kill him. I end up with all this drama and nothing to show for it but feeling like I wasted time learning a lesson I already knew.
Writing this made me step back and slap myself. Here I was staring into the sexy and completely missing the red flags going off in my head. This situation is 3 for 3 on my list of hell-no-no’s. Again.
Although I believe he may be truly be different, the messy he’s bringing to the situation is the same. I would love to see this work out differently but I would never forgive myself if it turned out the same. I can get over a crush that fizzled out. I can’t get over feeling stupid because I knew better. As my mother says, I’ve been through enough now to know that fire burns, no need for me to touch it again and again to find out.
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