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11 Things She’ll Never Tell You In The Bedroom

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Every man would like to think that when it comes to the bedroom, he’s THEE MAN! He wants to believe that his lady love is quite pleased in that department, and perhaps, like Mr. Songz he “invented sex”. Well, not really. To be frank, your lady may just be putting on an act. You know, stroking your ego and soothing your pride. Here are 11 common sex peeves women complain about, it just may be you.

  1. The Thrust & Miss: Nope, wrong hole! Like really? Do us a favor, how about you find the right hole first and then precede. Do I really need to draw a map for you to navigate down there? It’s really not that damn difficult.
  2. It’s mine right? Well….., it’s yours tonight. But it was Tony’s last night…but you don’t need to know that right?
  3. How was it? If you really have to ask, chances are,  it wasn’t good. And you know it but there you are lying to yourself. Those moans and groans were really for my pleasure. Actually I thought if maybe I made noise it would give you more motivation to do a better job. #SEXFAIL!
  4. I put it down, I know I’m the best you ever had! Haha! While you’re sweating, panting and raving; giving yourself a pat on the back, as far as I’m concerned, we haven’t even started. If I start planning my grocery list, trying to see over your shoulder to see the TV, or moaning loudly to disguise a yawn, chances are you aren’t doing as much as you think. Watch a movie. Ask a friend. Read a book. Do some stretches and buy some fruit. Hell take a class if you can but whatever you do get some new moves. You’re just Mr. hitting it right now but….Tony did it better.
  5. Lick before you stick! Look, unlike most men we don’t just get wet off the drop of a dime or an erection, like you, whenever the wind blows. You want me to put in work? Put your lips to good use. And how about you do it just like you like it! I may even enjoy it then.
  6. The Soundtrack: Do not, under any circumstances, make any noises that resemble a wild animal or a child on the latest Disney ride.
  7. Bush Whacker: Please don’t expect me to maintain the forest down there and you show up with hair long enough to braid. Men need to groom their “area” too. Don’t go drawing a picture down there but at least give it a little trim.
  8. It’s Raining….Sweat: I see you putting in work. I understand this is your cardio for the day. But I promise you if while you’re on top one sweat bead drips down in my eye I will have no choice but to knee you “on accident” so we can change positions. Use the covers to wipe.
  9. It’s The Motion In The Ocean That Matters….Sike: You may not show up with a small vienna sausage for a penis and expect anything to become wet except my face with tears. Reference HERE!
  10. Mandingo: I see you unfurl it and it’s like the size of a baby’s leg. NICE! Then you get in there and I think you’ve fallen asleep. Nothing worse than a plumber who can’t fix pipes. DO SOMETHING more than just show up and expect your Mandingo to do all the work.
  11. Swallow, But Not Really: Your diet makes your “juices” have a distinctive taste. Don’t expect her to drink your goodness if you’ve been eating hot fries and pizza every day. Incorporate more fruits (pineapples) and healthy options. You may find that you get what you desire if it just tastes a little better.

This article was written by Ms. Toni with contributions from Dee Rene. Remember to check out Dee’s own blog over at LaughCryCuss.com

Ladies (and men), what are some of your sex peeves?

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  • Elizabeth

    Too funny yet so true.. I tell them wrong hole all the time.. Ha!